Monday, October 6, 2014
Q&A: Wrap basics
Q: Why do you have so many different wraps?
A: There's a lot to that answer! Let's make it into smaller questions.
To start with, this is a really dirty climate, and I let my kids eat in the wrap and Buttercup is not usually wearing a diaper and has accidents. My wraps get really dirty, and fast. I don't have an ordinary washer and no dryer, so if it's rainy it can take two days to wash and dry a wrap, or more if I'm busy. That means I need two or three wraps to alternate out and do the same job. (Edited a year later: I can definitely do the same jobs with fewer wraps in this climate, and with older/less messy children.)
Size:
First of all, wraps come in different sizes, from 1-8, and you can do different carries with the different sizes. I have wraps in sizes between 2 and 7, which are 2.7 to 5.2 meters long, and one can basically think of it as shorties, mid-length, and long wraps. Since I am fairly petite, a 5 is my base size and I can do almost all carries with a 6.
The benefit of the shortest wraps is that they lend themselves to very quick carries, they do not drag on the ground while wrapping, and they fold up small in a backpack. The downside is that the quick carries are not as supportive as multi-layer carries. This is more tiring for me as a carry-er, and if my wrappee is tantruming or really trying, she can escape the carry. I find them useful for things like quick ups and downs like making lunch or snacks, or putting one kid up for bedtime routine for someone else. It's also useful on an outing when I won't be carrying all the time but we might need it for waiting in line or a quick walk.
The longest wraps make the most supportive, multi-layer carries, and have extra length for things like adding reinforcement on the chest or waist. The down side is that they take longer to wrap with, and rest on the floor while being wrapped, so I don't like wrapping with them out of the house. I use them when I will have a long carry that I won't have to re-do, like when I am picking the children up from school. I also like them for naps, because the longer carries tend to have space for the child to get all snuggled down.
The mid-length wraps are a great compromise, and I use them for all my long outings. They are not so long that I can't manage them in public or small space, but long enough that I can do supportive, multi-layer carries. I can also do several different carries so I can distribute the weight differently over the course of the day. I can also do the quickest up-and-down carries, that I could use the shorties for, with longer but not unmanageable tails.
Materials:
Many wraps are all cotton, but some are linen, wool, silk or other blends. I have a kapok wrap right now -- I had never even heard of that fiber! Even different cotton wraps have very different textures and weights.
So, for instance, the linen blends are strong and supportive, and I love them for my big kids or a long walk, but I don't think they're very snuggly for a nap and they are difficult to get a good wrap job quickly. There are also 100% linens; every other fabric is used almost exclusively in a cotton blend. The wools are breathable, soft on the shoulders, and supportive for the big kids, and with a wonderful bounce that moves with you. However, they are not practical during the hot days, and are fussier to wash so some people prefer to not use them where they will get dirty. Silk adds a luxurious feel to a wrap, and can be either very thin and silky for a baby, or add strength and support for a larger wrappee. Many people love hemp for its fluffiness and support with a larger child. Bamboo feels soft and luxurious, but has more stretch or sag, so most people prefer linen blends for little babies. Linen, silk, and hemp can add support, but can also feel hard on the shoulders, especially with a larger child.
(A year later: I love cotton, and find it absolutely the best with larger kids -- and small ones too. After enjoying dabbling in many different fabrics and textures, I have ended up with an all-cotton stash, except for one wool blend.)
Weave:
There are many different weave patterns, including jacquard, plain weave, variations of twill, and many others. These all create different looks and wrapping qualities.
Fiber qualities:
Even within cotton, there are many variations of fiber quality and type. There are long-staple and short-staple fibers (long staple will be stronger and longer lasting); cotton sourced from different regions (Egyption cotton is famous for its quality, but many wrappers enjoy supporting our own traditional industries with American-grown cotton); mercerized cotton (which adds strength, toughness, and shine, and has further variations such as perle mercerized cotton); organic cotton; minimally processed cotton; and so on and so forth. There are also different sized threads, which makes a huge difference to how thick or thin, sturdy or delicate, the wrap ends up being.
Wrapping qualities:
Every wrap feels different when it's being used! It's one of the things that makes wrapping interesting. Some are grippy and some slide smoothly, some hold the child rock-solid and some have bounce, some are breathable and some are snuggly, some are cushy on the shoulders and some are thin. Like everything in life, every up-side has an opposite! A cushy wrap tends to be thick and not so good in hot weather; a wrap that has bounce also has sag; a solid wrap gets tiring on the shoulders. Different wraps are valuable in different situations.
Beauty:
I just love beautiful fabric, and the wraps are truly beautiful! I just enjoy the colors and the textures and the feel. Besides, when you are wearing a child for hours a day, the wrap is part of your outfit! I totally coordinate my wraps and my clothing for a day out, and I feel like it's a beautiful finishing touch.
Q: Couldn't you get by with just one wrap?
A: Yes. Absolutely, especially if I had a quick washer and dryer. If anyone is curious about wrapping, you certainly don't need a whole lot of wraps, and I know people who carry all the time with one wrap.
But at the same time, I really use and appreciate each and every wrap that I have, and I enjoy having a variety to choose from. I buy most of my wraps used from other wrap afficianados, and I know that if I don't love something I can sell it on the same networks.
Q: Wait a minute, I thought you said there were NOT sizes for wraps!
A: The wraps are different sizes, but anyone can use any size. I could wrap any of my three children in any of my wraps, and my 6-foot-2 father could use any of the same wraps that I use. The determining factor is which carry to choose.
For instance, I can do a Secure High Back Carry with a size 4 for Buttercup, but I would choose a size 5 for my bigger kids. A large adult might choose a 6 for the same carry. But if we had a size 4 wrap, that larger adult could wrap their child in a Reinforced Ruck. I think the most logical way to think about wrap sizing is Base Size, and plus or minus. So the Secure High Back Carry is Base -1. I am a base 5, so I do it with a 4; someone else might be a base 7, so they could do it with a size 6, and a 4 would be a shortie wrap for them.
Q: What would be a basic number of wraps, or wrap stash?
A: It really depends on the individual and how they use them. Many people are happy with one wrap, which would probably be in the wearer's base size. But to have the benefits of the different size wraps, a minimal stash would include a short wrap (size 2 or 3), a mid-length (base-1), and a base size or base+1. Many people add a ssc (soft-sided carrier, or ergo-style carrier) or a ring sling.
Other people really enjoy the collecting aspect of wrapping as a hobby. Some people have dozens of wraps, just like some people have dozens of pairs of shoes, or designer purses. If you are just starting wrapping, it can be helpful to remember that being a wrapper and being a collector are not the same thing.
Q: Where do I buy wraps, and how much do they cost?
A: There are large used forums on facebook and thebabywearer.com, where I have gotten most of my wraps. Since most parents don't wrap, they aren't carried in most stores, so most people buy on-line, either from specialty shops or directly from the manufacturers. I have more details about this on my "basics" page.
As for the cost, first of all: baby carriers are expensive, good quality fabric is expensive, only high-quality fibers will create a wrap strong enough to carry a child, and many companies create exclusively fair-trade and organic fabric. All of that adds up; it's not JUST a piece of cloth. A good all-purpose wrap costs around $100; many wraps are much more. A vast majority of wraps are between $120-170; budget wraps can be as low as $30 for a short wrap. Many people also enjoy the joy of making their own wraps, which can be fun, economical, creative, and safe.
Also, there are many ways to borrow wraps to try them out. Look for a local babywearing group to get you started!
Q: That seems like a lot of money!
A: One way to look at it, is that a wrap is saving us visits to the chiropractor and pediatric occupational therapist, and those add up fast!
Wraps also tend to hold good resale value. As you can see, one of the best way to buy wraps is on the second-hand market, and you can turn around and sell them the same way. If you buy at a reasonable price, take reasonable care of the wrap, and sell at a reasonable price (even years later), you can probably get 60-90% of the wrap's value back again. That's an incredible proportion for used baby gear! So wraps can be a temporary investment.
After Sunflower's babyhood, I realized that I had used our baby carrier more than anything else in our entire house... and I didn't even like it that much. I kept thinking I wouldn't be using it much as he got older, so I didn't buy a new one. The second time around, it doesn't seem worth it to try to skimp. I absolutely enjoy every moment of our wrap snuggles, and I know they won't last forever. I will sell the carriers when we're all done with them, and use the money for something important in mid-childhood, but nothing is more important right now than security, bonding, and snuggles.
Q&A: Wrapping Basics
Q: Why do you wrap?
A: That is such a complicated and amazing question! That's why that answer is an entire section of my blog, so you can read many different stories from many different mothers!
Q: Why do you like wrapping specifically, instead of other carriers?
A: I fell immediately in love with wrapping when I realized that I could carry my children without back pain. A good carry with a wrap is absolutely night and day for me! Sunflower was in an odd position for most of my third trimester, and I have had lower-middle back pain ever since then, probably exacerbated by nursing and leaning over my baby and being in a fog when I didn't take care of myself. As his babyhood progressed, so did my pain, until eventually I spent a year in chiropractic care, took up yoga, and spent months in physical therapy. The consensus was that my back problems are chronic and the best I can do is manage them, which I have learned to do. Meanwhile, I limited myself to carrying Sunflower for an hour a day, and when Sunflower was not quite three I tried to stop lifting him altogether. I now really regret that I felt like I had to limit him like this, and I am sad that I missed out on all those sweet-baby snuggles, and spent so much effort trying to make him be independent. I think we could have avoided a lot of toddler struggles if I had been able to carry him more. I first tried wrapping when Sunflower was FOUR YEARS OLD, and it was immediately more comfortable than when I was trying to wear him as a baby!
Like so many next-time-around parents, this time I want to treasure every moment and enjoy my little girl for as long as she is little. I am grateful every day that I can wear my little one for all the time that her heart needs or wants wearing, without feeling like I am compromising my own health.
Q: When and why do you wrap your baby?
A: I wear Buttercup for her naps, when we are out and walking, when she starts getting out of control and destructive, when I need to be helping the older kids and she is in the way, when we have to wait around in a non-kid-friendly place, to keep her safe, to help her calm down, when she is feeling lonely, when she is feeling overwhelmed, when she wants to watch what I'm doing, and most of the time when I'm cooking (which meets many of the above categories!).
Q: Why do you wrap your bigger kids? They are definitely old enough to walk!
A: Wrapping is love. It really is. Big kids needs love too... they need lots of it. That's basically it.
Logistically, there is more to it. I started wrapping Sunflower to help with his sensory processing issues, and I could see a huge difference. One reason I wrap Hibiscus is because she needs a chance to "go back to babyhood" and have a chance to bond with a mother. Also, since wraps can fit any child, if I have one on hand it will serve me in an emergency. Sunflower has fallen and hurt himself badly a couple of times, and I have been able to carry him home; I've been very grateful for wraps, since I would have struggled to carry him in my arms the whole way.
The physical pressure of the wrap on their body is very instinctually soothing.
Q: How much do you wrap your children every day?
A: Right now, I usually wear Buttercup between about 3 and 6 hours a day, occasionally less and sometimes more. We go through periods when I wear one of the bigger kids every day for half an hour or so, although sometimes we are busy with school and it doesn't happen. Every single day I wear Buttercup for nap, school pick up, getting the big kids ready for bed, and a few quick ups and downs.
Q: When you say "wrap," what do you mean? Is it like a Moby?
A: I am talking about the category of "German woven wraps." A Moby is a stretchy wrap, and not supportive beyond the little bitty stage. A regular woven wrap is some of the strongest, softest, and most supportive fabric there is.
Q: What makes wrapping more physically comfortable than other kinds of babywearing?
A: First of all, a good wrap holds the child very close to the wearer's body. The closer any weight is to the carryer's core, the easier it is to carry. When the child has even an inch or two of space between their torso and their parent's, that makes carrying the child much more difficult and tiring. It is easiest to carry a child wrapped with their arms in, because then they have less weight to move around away from the wearer, but even when wrapping arms-out a good wrap job will pin the child's whole torso, from their underarms down, right against the wearer's body. This is perfectly comfortable for the child, and much less exhausting for the wearer than if the child had wiggle room.
Secondly, there are many different ways to wrap. You can wrap the child in different positions. I find a high carry tends to not exacerbate my back issues, and I can wrap any of the children high enough that their shoulders are slightly above mine. They also like that because they can look around and interact with their environment. However, when either me or the child is tired, I can also wrap Buttercup low enough that her head rests between my shoulderblades, or anywhere in the middle. This uses different muscles and allows me to wear her for a longer period over the whole day. You can also wrap on the hip or front, although I find those more difficult with the logistics of dealing with three children.
Different carries also distribute the child's weight to different part of the body. I prefer carries with an integrated chest belt, which places most of the weight right in the center of my chest, and nothing at all towards my outer shoulders. But after wearing something like that for a couple of hours, I might choose a carry with "ruck" straps (like a backpack) for variety. I can add a chest belt to those carries, which takes pressure off the shoulders but in a different way than the center-chest-belt carries. There are also carries with a torso pass, which distributes weight all across the torso. The tie around the waist actually moves a little weight to the waist or hips, and sometimes I wrap it twice around my weight which actually distributes even more weight to my lower body.
Q: How do you do it?
A: All the different carries are made up of just four different wrapping patterns, such as a rebozo pass goes over one shoulder, under the baby's bottom but not under their leg, and under the wrapper's opposite arm (e.g., diagonal across the bodies). So once you learn a few basic techniques, they turn into infinite combinations. (Descriptions of the different passes are included in the "basics" page on this blog.)
Q: Is it hard to learn?
A: It seems more or less difficult for different people. I didn't find it that hard to get started, and when I was wrapping Sunflower about once a day I felt competent within a month. I still got good carries during that time, but it took me longer and I had to re-start more often. I started out with one front and one back carry, and when I was good at those I added a different size and one new carry. After focusing on one carry at a time for a while, now it's easier to add a new carry in quickly. Some people find that it takes longer to get comfortable with technique, or that it's very difficult to switch from front to back carries. It just depends on the individual. Please don't be scared off by thinking it's "too hard to learn," but if you do find it overwhelming at first, know that many experienced wrappers once felt that way too.
The two main techniques are forming a good seat for the child's weight to sit in, and evenly tightening each pass so the whole carry turns out snug but not tight. It is much easier to learn these things by watching someone do it, but many people learn by watching videos on-line. I suggest both finding someone to work with you, if you can, and finding video or photo tutorials. The in-person help will pinpoint exactly what you personally need, and someone can help you get a good carry so you know what it will feel like. Being able to look at a tutorial later will help you remember the skills.
Q: How many carries do you know, anyways? Isn't that complicated?
A: I regularly use four shortie carries, six mid-length carries, and five long-wrap carries. Oh, plus two front carries and a hip carry. Some of those are variations on each other. (Edited a year later: I learned even more carries than that, but after a long time wrapping, I tend to use my same favorite carries, with a couple little variations. I basically have one front carry, one shortie carry, a couple of mid-length/errand carries, a long wrap/supportive carry, and a big-kid carry. I add in some occasional variety, but
Maybe it's complicated, but that helps make it interesting. Sometimes life with small children gets a bit... uninteresting. I really like having something to think about and something to work on improving.
Q: What do you mean by "good" wrap job?
A: A good wrap job is extremely comfortable, but there are a lot of variations and sometimes it is NOT a good wrap job! Often that is user error, like getting a loose pass and then it gets saggy. The child being wrapped also makes a difference. Some children push their feet and straighten their legs, so using under-leg passes work better for them; some are leaners so carries with a high horizontal pass helps hold them in.
Some people define a good wrap job as that the child feels "weightless." I would not define the sensation that way, but sometimes the child's weight is so well distributed that I cannot feel it in any one place; it seems like there is no weight particularly on my shoulders or my chest or my hips; I just am overall heavier than usual. A not-good wrap job is not nearly as comfortable, but I rarely find it more uncomfortable than a regular carrier. Besides, usually you can just re-tie, although of course the child is bound to fall asleep right after you realize you really hate the wrap job!
Also, many carries are adjustable as you wear them, so as the child moves or the fabric settles into place, or you want to adjust the weight, you can tweak and adjust as you go along.
Q: What about little babies?
A: Woven wraps are great for little babies! That's an age when they like to be held all the time, and wrapping leaves mom's hands free and takes the pressure off her back and shoulders. It might have saved me from my back problems exacerbating!
And one really amazing fact: since the wrap itself is so supportive, you don't have to wait until the baby can support his own head and weight. You can safely wrap even a newborn on your back!
Q: Would I like wrapping? Would it help me out?
A: If you are a parent of a baby or toddler, babywearing is a big help. If you are a parent of multiple children including a baby or toddler, I don't know how you can manage without it!!!
Q: How could I get started or learn more?
A: There are many local babywearing groups, where you can try out wraps and get hands-on suggestions and help. There is also lots of information on-line. The forum thebabywearer.com has a ton of information and support, or you could find the facebook group Babywearing 102. I hear that Babywearing Faith has really good YouTube tutorials. If you are curious and looking on-line, don't get discouraged or overwhelmed by seeing people who have tons of wraps or are talking about really expensive or hard-to-find wraps. Like any hobby, there are people who are willing to put a lot of time and money into their hobby, but that doesn't mean that they are representative of everyone. Most of us are treasuring every moment with our babies, not focused on getting the most gorgeous collection.
Why Do I Wrap?: Kat's Story
Yesterday I wrapped my 18 month old and 3.5 year old a collective total of 7 times. Now this is not exactly a normal day for us. It was Saturday after a busy and tiring week. I've been back to work for only a month and we are still finding our groove. I think it was all just starting to catch up to them.
Now 7 times for a toddler who is walking and running and a preschooler may seem excessive and spoiling to some people. But let me take you through each session and hopefully it will be quite clear how babywearing can be beneficial (if not life saving/sanity saving) beyond the baby stage.
We woke up and had a relaxed morning. L (18 month old) wanted to hang out while I made breakfast. Often times I myself don't get to make the girls breakfast during the week, I'm in such a hurry to get everyone's stuff together and get us out the door. She sat in a rebozo carry on my hip while I scrambled some eggs and talked her through what I was doing. She listened, watched and repeated what I said back to me.
An hour later we were running errands. It was a chilly, rainy day so I grabbed the wool shorty. L hopped on my back two different times. The first to help my DH buy a pair of jeans in a store with 2 flights of stairs. Have fun maneuvering a stroller around that! The second was in the grocery store where low and behold there were no more double seat "car" carts. And letting my G, my 3 year old, walk is not an option as it makes the trip take twice as long and we were already short on time.
Back at our house it was lunchtime and L was full on into tantrum #2 of the day. After 15 minutes of trying to calm her down, I finally wrangled her into a messy front carry. She stopped crying within 30 seconds after I tied off and is asleep less than 5 minutes later.
She woke up 2.5 hours later refreshed. But not G. She was feeling overly sensitive and clingy and just the sight of her sister was annoying her to the point of tears. I, however couldn't play referee because I needed to get the house picked up so our babysitter for the night wouldn't be totally appalled by how we live. She hopped on my back while I vacuumed the house. My husband came home as I was finishing so she hopped down for just a few minutes to chat with him and then back up again while I folded laundry. After some much needed mama time, she was her happy self once again.
The rest of the day went on splendidly.... Until 3am. L still wakes up 1-3 times a night and likes to nurse when she does. Note, she does NOT need to nurse to fall asleep, she just needs to know I'm still there. Normally I'm in and out of her room in about 5 minutes. But for some reason last night she was angry with her crib and not willing to go back in. After 45 minutes of nursing and swaying and failed transfers, she asked for "up we go". This is her way of asking to be wrapped. We went downstairs, grabbed a wrap and 5 minutes later she told me it's time to go night night again.
As I said, this is not the norm. A typical day would include only one or two wearing sessions or maybe none at all. But it's there when we need it and the girls know it. They see things they wouldn't normally get to see with their eyes being at knee or hip level. They get the soothing touches, the special scent that only their mother has and the calming effect of being near to her heartbeat. Baby wearing is not just for babies. It's an invaluable tool for children of all ages.
Now 7 times for a toddler who is walking and running and a preschooler may seem excessive and spoiling to some people. But let me take you through each session and hopefully it will be quite clear how babywearing can be beneficial (if not life saving/sanity saving) beyond the baby stage.
We woke up and had a relaxed morning. L (18 month old) wanted to hang out while I made breakfast. Often times I myself don't get to make the girls breakfast during the week, I'm in such a hurry to get everyone's stuff together and get us out the door. She sat in a rebozo carry on my hip while I scrambled some eggs and talked her through what I was doing. She listened, watched and repeated what I said back to me.
An hour later we were running errands. It was a chilly, rainy day so I grabbed the wool shorty. L hopped on my back two different times. The first to help my DH buy a pair of jeans in a store with 2 flights of stairs. Have fun maneuvering a stroller around that! The second was in the grocery store where low and behold there were no more double seat "car" carts. And letting my G, my 3 year old, walk is not an option as it makes the trip take twice as long and we were already short on time.
Back at our house it was lunchtime and L was full on into tantrum #2 of the day. After 15 minutes of trying to calm her down, I finally wrangled her into a messy front carry. She stopped crying within 30 seconds after I tied off and is asleep less than 5 minutes later.
She woke up 2.5 hours later refreshed. But not G. She was feeling overly sensitive and clingy and just the sight of her sister was annoying her to the point of tears. I, however couldn't play referee because I needed to get the house picked up so our babysitter for the night wouldn't be totally appalled by how we live. She hopped on my back while I vacuumed the house. My husband came home as I was finishing so she hopped down for just a few minutes to chat with him and then back up again while I folded laundry. After some much needed mama time, she was her happy self once again.
The rest of the day went on splendidly.... Until 3am. L still wakes up 1-3 times a night and likes to nurse when she does. Note, she does NOT need to nurse to fall asleep, she just needs to know I'm still there. Normally I'm in and out of her room in about 5 minutes. But for some reason last night she was angry with her crib and not willing to go back in. After 45 minutes of nursing and swaying and failed transfers, she asked for "up we go". This is her way of asking to be wrapped. We went downstairs, grabbed a wrap and 5 minutes later she told me it's time to go night night again.
As I said, this is not the norm. A typical day would include only one or two wearing sessions or maybe none at all. But it's there when we need it and the girls know it. They see things they wouldn't normally get to see with their eyes being at knee or hip level. They get the soothing touches, the special scent that only their mother has and the calming effect of being near to her heartbeat. Baby wearing is not just for babies. It's an invaluable tool for children of all ages.
Why Do I Wrap: new-mother in Africa
(I wrote this over a year ago, in the first month after bringing my two girls home as foster daughters.)
Someone told me that basically, what I am trying to do is too hard, and parents only have hands enough to hold two children to keep them safe walking across the street. I don't know if she meant this as a general invective against more-than-two-child-families, in which case she has a great deal of world-wide convincing to do. But as for me, and taking my brood across the street or around the city, my answer is simple: God gave mamas two hands and one back. I CAN hold onto them all.
As I write this, I am living in Africa, as a solo parent, with three young children each in the midst of an emotional crisis. I am trying to balance the logistics of living in this country; the logistics of dealing with the legal system; and the physical and spiritual needs of three confused and chaotic little beings. I don't have all the answers -- some days, I don't have any of them. But as for the practical, day-to-day management of three high-needs children, while running errands and managing a household, I have at least one big answer that's working for me:
Wrapping. Or baby-wearing, without any babies involved.
Wrapping is basically taking a long, beautiful, extremely sturdy piece of cloth, and winding it around oneself and the child so they are securely held in place. Many parents today wear their babies in backpack-style carriers, and this is the same general idea, with some extra benefits. (Some of what I say about wrapping is true for any kind of baby-wearing, but since right now my only baby-wearing is wrapping, that's the word I'm using.) Because the fabric conforms to the body so closely, one can wrap the child's weight much higher (or lower) and more closely to the wearer's body, and because one can wrap the fabric in different ways, the wearer can change the child's position -- high back or low back, weight on chest, torso, or shoulders, or on front or either hip. I have had significant back problems ever since my pregnancy, and this makes the night-and-day difference to me. I could wear Sunflower for about an hour a day in our backpack-style carrier (a soft-sided carrier (SSC), or frame carrier) before my back started to flare up; now I am wearing children about 3-6 hours EVERY day. Also, the strong fabric conforms exactly around the child's body. This provides the benefits of swaddling, with the benefit of mom's calming presence. For children with sensory or emotional problems (all three of mine!), this is an important calming therapy, and will help them learn to self-soothe and manage their feelings on their own. Eventually -- that goal is not within our current sights!
Meanwhile, wrapping is also fun for me because I can learn different carries and enjoy the beauty of the different wraps, and even chat on-line with other moms about the details of wrapping. It's extraordinarily refreshing to have something to think about other than the problems and complications of our lives, but the only hobby I could actually do at this point is one that helps me with the daily business of child-management! I can lay in bed thinking about picking out a new wrap, or thinking about other people's stories and wondering if such-and-such a carry would work well for us in the heat. I can actually fall asleep with those thoughts running around, as opposed to the probation-officer and incorrigible-behavior type thoughts, which are pretty well guaranteed to keep me tossing and turning forever!
(Reading about African history and politics is the other tactic I use to keep my mind busy, but by about 4:30 in the afternoon I'm beyond being able to think about that!)
Wrapping is the best of both worlds -- for me and the kids -- because it simultaneously gives me extra hands, and the child extra attention. So a lot of my wrapping is when I need extra hands. Every time we leave the house, Buttercup is wrapped up, so I have one hand for Sunflower and one for Hibiscus. Buttercup doesn't go down until we are in a safe, contained space. So I still am cautious about taking all the kids into a particularly chaotic environment -- like walking around downtown -- but I've got pretty good control in our ordinary walks. I CAN hold all three of them crossing the street (or walking down the middle of the street to avoid the water-filled potholes), and they can't actually run in three directions at once. Practically, the older two rarely, if ever, throw fits at the same time -- I think when they see the other one acting so badly it reminds them how ridiculous it is, and they want to show what a "good" child they are themselves -- so it's really only chasing down one temporarily insane child, which is no worse than how I started!
If we're going shopping, or taking a trip that involves carrying gear, Hibiscus and Emerson wear their little backpacks, and I wrap Buttercup on my front and put my backpack on my back. It gets heavy, but it works!
I can also pop Buttercup onto my back when the older children are playing something that either isn't safe, or they don't want her bothering them. I think this has helped smooth the sibling dynamics a lot, that I can so smoothly keep Buttercup from "ruining" their big-kid play. Buttercup usually complains at being removed from the fun, but then she realizes that getting Mama all to herself isn't a bad option either!
If something really needs to get done, Buttercup is usually so "helpful" that it is of great assistance to put her "my back" so I can actually get the work completed. Because, you know, if Daddy is putting things in a suitcase, obviously Buttercup needs to put things in the same suitcase. And putting things IN reminds her that it is also so much fun to take things OUT, and then while Daddy is off folding his shirts his suitcase starts to look like what Sunflower compiled when we first started planning this trip to Uganda! (We missed all the pieces when re-packing the suitcase, and ended up with one random giant duplo and an air freshener, among the other necessities of life.)
While I make dinner, Buttercup always ends up on my back. By then, everyone is a cross between grumpy and manic. (Except mama. I don't deny the grumpy, but I am too old for manic!) The big kids have often been playing in the yard with the neighbor boys, but they're too rough in their play for it to be safe for Buttercup; or they are inside and supposed to be cleaning their toys and setting the table. Buttercup is always in the kind of mood that needs to wander around the room overturning random things and throwing them, which does not help with Mama's grumpy. So she goes up -- and always protests with violent wiggles, but I just tie her on up there and she can't get down! Then she likes watching what I cook, and singing to herself. Buttercup is on the road to being a Broadway star, with the amount of singing she does while I cook dinner!
Which leads us into the emotional part of wrapping. Basically, by evening, Buttercup is too tired to know how to calm herself, but she needs some calm time. The soothing pressure of the wrap, combined with the calming presence of her mother, helps her get into her own self-soothing routine, which she actually does pretty well with that encouragement. None of my children have many skills in the way of self-soothing! Meanwhile, wrapping is a wonderful way to recover from a tantrum, or a really nasty day. Emerson tends to use the first method, and Hibiscus the second.
When I notice that it's been one of those days that I keep having to say "no!" and "stop!" and she finds it one of those days when she needs to scream bloody murder for extensive periods of time, I try and find a calm moment and invite her to go in a wrap. It's a wonderful time of togetherness and bonding. When a child is wrapped, their head is right by their parent's, so every quiet comment is heard. Much of children's frustration is really about not being heard, so that is very reassuring. It's also possible to have a private conversation with two other crazy children running around! Hibiscus also likes to touch and play with my hair while she's wrapped. I think hair-touching is a common bonding practice among African women, and it seems like running my silky hair through her hands is also a tactile soothing and calming practice for her too.
I started wrapping Emerson a few months ago to help address his escalating SPD issues, especially for calming down at night. We haven't done bedtime wrapping since we've gotten to Africa, but it still helps him calm down. He has gotten significantly fewer snuggles since the girls have moved in, so wrapping is a good way to give him that physical love he needs, while still being able to attend to the girls. When he gets very overwhelmed, he doesn't really know how to find his way back to "normal," and keeps escalating. If I can catch him in the moment where he's trying to recover from a tantrum jag, but hasn't yet found something else to get angry about, wrapping him up for a while is a good way to interrupt the cycle.
Both girls need to go back to babyhood, to either have the experiences that they missed, or to get to go through the bonding process with their new mother. Adoption literature suggests things like rocking children and giving them bottles (or sippy-cups), and otherwise back-tracking to give children those babyhood experiences. Well, I don't have a rocking chair, and whenever I read and give cuddles there are three children jockeying for the best place on my lap. They each need one-on-one loving, but that's going to have to wait until my parents come for a visit or we get home with some friends and family around. Meanwhile, wrapping each child gives them that physical time that they need, and that the girls need to revisit. I also do things like doing the exact same night-time routine for Hibiscus that I do for her little sister, like brushing her teeth and washing her face and helping her get her clothes off, even though I know she can physically do it.
That leaves a lot of stuff for my hands to do at bedtime. And did I mention how sleepiness brings on extra wildness around here? I've finally started wrapping at bedtime, and I don't know why it took me so long to figure out! (Okay, less than a week since Daddy left, but it's seemed like a long time...) I can wrap up Hibiscus, who starts feeling snuggly and loved (and meanwhile can't keep revving her body to crazier levels), and potty and brush Buttercup's teeth while giving Emerson helper-boy jobs to do like refilling our tooth brushing glass, and then Buttercup wants to brush her own teeth for a long enough time for me to finish Emerson, and I can do her pajamas while he does his own, and then two kids are ready. Then when I put Hibiscus down, I'm all ready to concentrate all my attention on her -- although Emerson will get jealous if he doesn't get a turn, so "up" he goes! I can hold a big kid on my back and still grab a little one and move her around if she decides to get into too much trouble, but if I'm fast enough with Hibiscus she might still be busy piling up several hundred books to read that night. (That's an exaggeration; we don't have several hundred books in this apartment, but if we did I'm sure all my kids would want to read all of them!)
Speaking of sleeping, apparently at the orphanage Buttercup went right to sleep on her own, but by now she has decided there are better options. Basically, she wants to sleep all snuggled up to me, period. When Emerson was a baby I could lay in bed next to him -- wait a minute, what am I implying? When Emerson was 4 1/2 and an only child, I could lay next to him every night until he fell asleep, but that's no longer possible. So I pop Buttercup on my back, in a low carry with her arms in, so she kind of sags like in a hammock with a particularly warm and loving wall on one side. I try to keep things quiet, but if I keep swaying around a little, she falls right asleep in spite of herself. At bedtime, if our pattern is working that way, I can rock her on my back while encouraging Emerson while he reads his book out loud, and I can lay her her down asleep on the other bed -- and both big kids get a full arm around them for reading books.
I was laying her right into bed after she fell asleep at naptime, afraid the big kids would wake her up if she stayed with me, but now I've found out she sleeps much longer if I just keep her wrapped up. She's started to fuss and wake an hour into night sleep as well. The first couple nights, when I picked her up and comforted her, she looked right up at me and calmed down. It was an amazing feeling as a new-bonding mother. But then, that wasn't enough; she didn't really cry, but just kept fussing sadly. I've been putting her back into a cuddly front carry, and she soothes right away, snuggled up against me. I think she just needs to go all the way back to infanthood, when her cries weren't heard or attended to, and she learned that it wasn't any use to cry. She needs to go through and do it all over again.
And so that's how I make it through the day!
Someone told me that basically, what I am trying to do is too hard, and parents only have hands enough to hold two children to keep them safe walking across the street. I don't know if she meant this as a general invective against more-than-two-child-families, in which case she has a great deal of world-wide convincing to do. But as for me, and taking my brood across the street or around the city, my answer is simple: God gave mamas two hands and one back. I CAN hold onto them all.
As I write this, I am living in Africa, as a solo parent, with three young children each in the midst of an emotional crisis. I am trying to balance the logistics of living in this country; the logistics of dealing with the legal system; and the physical and spiritual needs of three confused and chaotic little beings. I don't have all the answers -- some days, I don't have any of them. But as for the practical, day-to-day management of three high-needs children, while running errands and managing a household, I have at least one big answer that's working for me:
Wrapping. Or baby-wearing, without any babies involved.
Wrapping is basically taking a long, beautiful, extremely sturdy piece of cloth, and winding it around oneself and the child so they are securely held in place. Many parents today wear their babies in backpack-style carriers, and this is the same general idea, with some extra benefits. (Some of what I say about wrapping is true for any kind of baby-wearing, but since right now my only baby-wearing is wrapping, that's the word I'm using.) Because the fabric conforms to the body so closely, one can wrap the child's weight much higher (or lower) and more closely to the wearer's body, and because one can wrap the fabric in different ways, the wearer can change the child's position -- high back or low back, weight on chest, torso, or shoulders, or on front or either hip. I have had significant back problems ever since my pregnancy, and this makes the night-and-day difference to me. I could wear Sunflower for about an hour a day in our backpack-style carrier (a soft-sided carrier (SSC), or frame carrier) before my back started to flare up; now I am wearing children about 3-6 hours EVERY day. Also, the strong fabric conforms exactly around the child's body. This provides the benefits of swaddling, with the benefit of mom's calming presence. For children with sensory or emotional problems (all three of mine!), this is an important calming therapy, and will help them learn to self-soothe and manage their feelings on their own. Eventually -- that goal is not within our current sights!
Meanwhile, wrapping is also fun for me because I can learn different carries and enjoy the beauty of the different wraps, and even chat on-line with other moms about the details of wrapping. It's extraordinarily refreshing to have something to think about other than the problems and complications of our lives, but the only hobby I could actually do at this point is one that helps me with the daily business of child-management! I can lay in bed thinking about picking out a new wrap, or thinking about other people's stories and wondering if such-and-such a carry would work well for us in the heat. I can actually fall asleep with those thoughts running around, as opposed to the probation-officer and incorrigible-behavior type thoughts, which are pretty well guaranteed to keep me tossing and turning forever!
(Reading about African history and politics is the other tactic I use to keep my mind busy, but by about 4:30 in the afternoon I'm beyond being able to think about that!)
Wrapping is the best of both worlds -- for me and the kids -- because it simultaneously gives me extra hands, and the child extra attention. So a lot of my wrapping is when I need extra hands. Every time we leave the house, Buttercup is wrapped up, so I have one hand for Sunflower and one for Hibiscus. Buttercup doesn't go down until we are in a safe, contained space. So I still am cautious about taking all the kids into a particularly chaotic environment -- like walking around downtown -- but I've got pretty good control in our ordinary walks. I CAN hold all three of them crossing the street (or walking down the middle of the street to avoid the water-filled potholes), and they can't actually run in three directions at once. Practically, the older two rarely, if ever, throw fits at the same time -- I think when they see the other one acting so badly it reminds them how ridiculous it is, and they want to show what a "good" child they are themselves -- so it's really only chasing down one temporarily insane child, which is no worse than how I started!
If we're going shopping, or taking a trip that involves carrying gear, Hibiscus and Emerson wear their little backpacks, and I wrap Buttercup on my front and put my backpack on my back. It gets heavy, but it works!
I can also pop Buttercup onto my back when the older children are playing something that either isn't safe, or they don't want her bothering them. I think this has helped smooth the sibling dynamics a lot, that I can so smoothly keep Buttercup from "ruining" their big-kid play. Buttercup usually complains at being removed from the fun, but then she realizes that getting Mama all to herself isn't a bad option either!
If something really needs to get done, Buttercup is usually so "helpful" that it is of great assistance to put her "my back" so I can actually get the work completed. Because, you know, if Daddy is putting things in a suitcase, obviously Buttercup needs to put things in the same suitcase. And putting things IN reminds her that it is also so much fun to take things OUT, and then while Daddy is off folding his shirts his suitcase starts to look like what Sunflower compiled when we first started planning this trip to Uganda! (We missed all the pieces when re-packing the suitcase, and ended up with one random giant duplo and an air freshener, among the other necessities of life.)
While I make dinner, Buttercup always ends up on my back. By then, everyone is a cross between grumpy and manic. (Except mama. I don't deny the grumpy, but I am too old for manic!) The big kids have often been playing in the yard with the neighbor boys, but they're too rough in their play for it to be safe for Buttercup; or they are inside and supposed to be cleaning their toys and setting the table. Buttercup is always in the kind of mood that needs to wander around the room overturning random things and throwing them, which does not help with Mama's grumpy. So she goes up -- and always protests with violent wiggles, but I just tie her on up there and she can't get down! Then she likes watching what I cook, and singing to herself. Buttercup is on the road to being a Broadway star, with the amount of singing she does while I cook dinner!
Which leads us into the emotional part of wrapping. Basically, by evening, Buttercup is too tired to know how to calm herself, but she needs some calm time. The soothing pressure of the wrap, combined with the calming presence of her mother, helps her get into her own self-soothing routine, which she actually does pretty well with that encouragement. None of my children have many skills in the way of self-soothing! Meanwhile, wrapping is a wonderful way to recover from a tantrum, or a really nasty day. Emerson tends to use the first method, and Hibiscus the second.
When I notice that it's been one of those days that I keep having to say "no!" and "stop!" and she finds it one of those days when she needs to scream bloody murder for extensive periods of time, I try and find a calm moment and invite her to go in a wrap. It's a wonderful time of togetherness and bonding. When a child is wrapped, their head is right by their parent's, so every quiet comment is heard. Much of children's frustration is really about not being heard, so that is very reassuring. It's also possible to have a private conversation with two other crazy children running around! Hibiscus also likes to touch and play with my hair while she's wrapped. I think hair-touching is a common bonding practice among African women, and it seems like running my silky hair through her hands is also a tactile soothing and calming practice for her too.
I started wrapping Emerson a few months ago to help address his escalating SPD issues, especially for calming down at night. We haven't done bedtime wrapping since we've gotten to Africa, but it still helps him calm down. He has gotten significantly fewer snuggles since the girls have moved in, so wrapping is a good way to give him that physical love he needs, while still being able to attend to the girls. When he gets very overwhelmed, he doesn't really know how to find his way back to "normal," and keeps escalating. If I can catch him in the moment where he's trying to recover from a tantrum jag, but hasn't yet found something else to get angry about, wrapping him up for a while is a good way to interrupt the cycle.
Both girls need to go back to babyhood, to either have the experiences that they missed, or to get to go through the bonding process with their new mother. Adoption literature suggests things like rocking children and giving them bottles (or sippy-cups), and otherwise back-tracking to give children those babyhood experiences. Well, I don't have a rocking chair, and whenever I read and give cuddles there are three children jockeying for the best place on my lap. They each need one-on-one loving, but that's going to have to wait until my parents come for a visit or we get home with some friends and family around. Meanwhile, wrapping each child gives them that physical time that they need, and that the girls need to revisit. I also do things like doing the exact same night-time routine for Hibiscus that I do for her little sister, like brushing her teeth and washing her face and helping her get her clothes off, even though I know she can physically do it.
That leaves a lot of stuff for my hands to do at bedtime. And did I mention how sleepiness brings on extra wildness around here? I've finally started wrapping at bedtime, and I don't know why it took me so long to figure out! (Okay, less than a week since Daddy left, but it's seemed like a long time...) I can wrap up Hibiscus, who starts feeling snuggly and loved (and meanwhile can't keep revving her body to crazier levels), and potty and brush Buttercup's teeth while giving Emerson helper-boy jobs to do like refilling our tooth brushing glass, and then Buttercup wants to brush her own teeth for a long enough time for me to finish Emerson, and I can do her pajamas while he does his own, and then two kids are ready. Then when I put Hibiscus down, I'm all ready to concentrate all my attention on her -- although Emerson will get jealous if he doesn't get a turn, so "up" he goes! I can hold a big kid on my back and still grab a little one and move her around if she decides to get into too much trouble, but if I'm fast enough with Hibiscus she might still be busy piling up several hundred books to read that night. (That's an exaggeration; we don't have several hundred books in this apartment, but if we did I'm sure all my kids would want to read all of them!)
Speaking of sleeping, apparently at the orphanage Buttercup went right to sleep on her own, but by now she has decided there are better options. Basically, she wants to sleep all snuggled up to me, period. When Emerson was a baby I could lay in bed next to him -- wait a minute, what am I implying? When Emerson was 4 1/2 and an only child, I could lay next to him every night until he fell asleep, but that's no longer possible. So I pop Buttercup on my back, in a low carry with her arms in, so she kind of sags like in a hammock with a particularly warm and loving wall on one side. I try to keep things quiet, but if I keep swaying around a little, she falls right asleep in spite of herself. At bedtime, if our pattern is working that way, I can rock her on my back while encouraging Emerson while he reads his book out loud, and I can lay her her down asleep on the other bed -- and both big kids get a full arm around them for reading books.
I was laying her right into bed after she fell asleep at naptime, afraid the big kids would wake her up if she stayed with me, but now I've found out she sleeps much longer if I just keep her wrapped up. She's started to fuss and wake an hour into night sleep as well. The first couple nights, when I picked her up and comforted her, she looked right up at me and calmed down. It was an amazing feeling as a new-bonding mother. But then, that wasn't enough; she didn't really cry, but just kept fussing sadly. I've been putting her back into a cuddly front carry, and she soothes right away, snuggled up against me. I think she just needs to go all the way back to infanthood, when her cries weren't heard or attended to, and she learned that it wasn't any use to cry. She needs to go through and do it all over again.
And so that's how I make it through the day!
Executive Function Delay
What is executive function and why is it important? And why would it be on a wrapping blog? Along with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), it is one of the generally over-arching difficulties that often plaugue children with emotional special needs, including Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). As I write about how wrapping can help our children with emotional special needs, it will help to first describe and define the terms.
Executive function can be described as the "boss" functions in our brain; what stands between our thoughts and our actions. Executive function is divided into 8 major categories, which include areas like knowing how to start a project; having the follow-through to finish a project; working memory, which means remembering what is going on while you are in the middle of it; knowing how to control impulsiveness; imagining potential cause and effect from actions; generalizing specific incidents; and understanding social cues such as when other people are no longer interested in what you are talking about. The simple definition of executive function is: "not acting like a two year old."
Children with complex backgrounds, such as children who wind up needing to be adopted, often have executive function difficulties. Their disorganized lives have not taught them the skills they need, and the stress they experience interferes with normal brain development that would, say, help you learn how to not act like you're two. In the category of "executive function disintegration," Hibiscus came out with gold stars leaping out all over the place. In fact, after reading a book on the subject, I realized that Hibiscus is basically a walking demonstration of executive disfunction: she has it ALL. Except a couple of the potential behaviors are conflicting; not knowing how to make decisions can either paralyze a child with confusion and indecision, or result in impulsive and random behavior. Hibiscus is never paralyzed with anything.
I wrote that this is a day, but come to think of it, there is no way I could record an entire day of executive function difficulties. So I'll go through some highlights, but I want to clarify that this is not selecting out the dramatic stories of a bad day -- this is her (our) life. Executive function is so very universal, that it colors everything that happens, and every decision that we make about ourselves. Also, I hope it is clear that I am not writing this to complain about Hibiscus or describe how "bad" she is, but the exact opposite. I am writing to explain how these little skips in her brain are affecting her large and small decisions throughout the day, and thus her entire life and family interactions.
MORNING, GETTING READY FOR SCHOOL:
The children are doing their chores of taking care of the chicks in the garage. Emerson pours them more food, and Hibiscus goes to clean out and refill the waterer. By the time something is a routine, we don't need to use our executive function as much, because we can go through what is a normal habit without making new decisions; therefore, it is fairly easy for the children to get started working peacefully on the baby-chick chores.
But this morning Hibiscus decides to clean out the waterer in the bathroom sink. The chicks get the water cavity filled with their coconut-coir bedding, which needs to be pulled out before the waterer is cleaned and refilled. I have instructed them several times to do this in the trash can with a plastic bag in it, not in the sink. I don't know if Emerson usually does this part, or Hibiscus just decided to try something new, but habit slipped through this morning.
-poor working memory (that I have instructed them how to do this)
-inability to imagine cause and effect of actions (filling the drain with coconut coir)
Emerson comes in to get me because Hibiscus is flooding the sink, as she watches with confusion as the water gets higher and higher. However, she figures out that if she pushes the mass to the side, the water goes down, and she smiles at me with success. I am not so impressed and tell her that she has to get ALL the coconut coir out of the sink. She starts grabbing at it (it's possible she even skipped the step about fussing and whining; she's getting kind of used to my rule that she has to clean up her own messes), and I remind her to get the trash basket with the plastic bag from the kitchen. I have to repeat this and hold her hands still so she can listen.
-difficulty planning steps to complete a project successfully
After a while she comes back in and reports that everything is clean. However, I suspect her very first step was pushing things down the sink, so I go and take out the U-joint under the sink to make her make sure it isn't full of coconut coir. I put a towel under to catch the drips, and show her the pipe she needs to clean out. As she reaches for the sink, I tell her not to touch it.
"NO-OOO!! I don't know how to do da-AAAT!" she whines and wails (the gist of which is probably not related to executive disfunction, although the second sentence can describe difficulty understanding how to start projects). I start to explain, but she jumps to show me that the sink is actually clear and running smoothly.
-when an idea is in her head, it's hard to stop and think about something else
She turns the water on full blast to prove that it is running.
-poor working memory, that I just told her not to touch it. Or, perhaps:
-inability to generalize; I hadn't told her not to touch that PART of the sink
Water enthusiastically flies out the open pipe into the cabinet under the sink.
-low ability to imagine consequences of actions
SCHOOL:
I was not there to see how she did in her classroom and her after-school nature program. There were probably small difficulties, but in many ways these settings are easier. The routine is stronger and more clear, which allows her to rely on habit instead of decision-making. There is a tidal wave of other students moving along, so if she pauses for a millisecond and follows along she is likely to make the right choices.
Furthermore, in her particular case, there is less desire to prove herself independent (or smart, or powerful, or who-knows-what) by doing things a little bit differently than how her parents ask. Plenty of children do this, but some of them are able to use their reasoning to figure out a way to do things creatively without totally ruining the point of the activity.
For instance, when asked to clear things off the table, Emerson might sulk about it, but then pretend that he is a train. He needs to add "whoo-whoo!" noises to each item that he picks up, and walk in a particularly train-ish manner, but he delivers the proper things from the table to the counter.
In contrast, when I asked Hibiscus to put the milk in the refrigerator, she put it in the freezer. Which ruins the point of putting milk in the refrigerator. Actually, it just plain ruins the milk.
GETTING READY FOR DINNER:
Clearing the table took the children 45 minutes tonight, with one adult in almost constant guidance. How it is even possible to take 45 minutes to clear and set a table is completely beyond me; you will have to ask someone with executive disfunction, I guess. However, here are a few elements:
-difficulty understanding how to start a task
We actually have lists on the wall, breaking down setting the table into very small jobs, for just this reason. However, tonight they were:
-easily overwhelmed
and unable to even use the lists as a tool. (Emerson doesn't have executive disfunction, but he has extreme anxiety over being able to do things the right way, which looks similar when it comes to task completion.) And furthermore
-lack of being able to generalize
probably meant that they couldn't see that ALL THE STUFF covering the table was actually on a couple of categories: crayons and paper, dishes from lunch, and a few books. Instead, it looked like a million totally random things. So, when faced with a million things to do, why not
-distractibility
read every book you encounter, and color with every crayon?
DINNER CONVERSATION:
We spent a while figuring out how to count by 5's, which Hibiscus's class is also working on. It's difficult for her to figure out, because as soon as she hears something that gives her an idea, she's saying and acting upon her idea. But since an idea usually comes to her by the third word of the first sentence, this means that she misses most of the explanation.
Then the conversation took a turn like this:
Hibiscus: I am taking some more potatoes. I like potatoes. Look, this is a little potato! What a cute potato, I want to eat this potato. Now I am cutting it. I am cut, cut, cutting it, and now the potato is cut. I'm going to put butter on my potato. I like butter!
At this point I said her name in a warning tone. We have had many discussions about what constitutes a conversation; how, for instance, people take turns talking, and the thing that you talk about is the thing that the previous person was talking about. No one else had been having an in-depth discussion about Hibiscus's potato, surprisingly enough. In fact, I am trying to add to our understanding of conversation, that monologues about what you are eating are actually not interesting at all to the other conversationalists. But even though she clearly hasn't grasped that, this fell under the previous rules of other people not getting turns, and not being germane to the conversation that everyone else was having.
Hibiscus apparently didn't remember those concepts about conversation.
-poor working memory needs lots and lots and lots and LOTS of repetition
"What?!" she protested. "What's the matter with butter?"
I tried to say something succinct about that being enough talk about her potato, and then model moving on in conversation. Hibiscus was not moving on.
"I wasn't talking about my potato!" she protested. "I was talking about butter!"
-inability to generalize, since her last phrase was indeed about the butter
"Can't I have butter? I like butter! I like butter on my potato! Butter is really nummy on my potato! My potato is good with butter --"
-extreme difficulty in realizing when other people are no longer interested in what she is talking about
GETTING READY FOR BED:
After dinner, Daddy was dealing with washing hair and getting kids in and out of the bath, and I was doing their physical therapy routine with each of them in turn in the bedroom. (Wilbarger brushing and joint compressions, plus some reflex-integration exercises.) While each child was not being either bathed or brushed, he or she was expected to be cleaning up the bedroom.
We have even made a song about it. Before leaving the table, we sing:
"Clear your plate,
Potty and wash-hands,
Pa-ja-mas,
Clothes in hamper,
Clean your room, till the grown-ups come."
Each line repeats one note of the scale, until by the last line it's reached the dominant and does a simple arpeggio up and down, which is the most musically compelling part so the kids love to sing that line. Now whenever I remind them to tidy, someone always sings "clean your room, till the grown-ups come!"
Having a song aims to help poor working memory, and general mental disorganization. The tune gives the memory a boost, and if we repeat the song and tick steps off on our fingers every time a child says "what do I do now?" (or goes scooting past at 60 mph with a naked bum), they can usually figure out what step they're on.
First of all, as for actually tidying the room, there was a lot of similar behavior as I described about the table, with discussions like "I don't know what to DOOO-oooo. I don't know HOOO-oooow to clean my room" said in the most whiney voice possible, to which I would reply "pick up that kleenex right there and put it in the trash," or something along those lines. This is an outside influence providing some executive function. However, they were gradually getting to the point where we could vacuum.
I finished Buttercup and took her to brush teeth. Daddy was getting the vacuum. Emerson started screaming at Hibiscus to stop something, and ran desperately away. She was laughing; he was not.
-gets carried away with emotion and misses social cues
Most of the time, I try not to get involved in their little altercations, but sometimes something is pretty clear. In this case, they hadn't been upset and there wasn't time for an altercation. However, there was a dead fly waiting to be vacuumed up, and upon seeing it, it had clearly popped into Hibiscus's mind that it would be interesting to put it on Emerson's chin. When he startled and shrieked, she responded to the heightened emotion by chasing him.
-lack of impulse control
-difficulty to imagine consequences to actions
The words burst out of him so spontaneously the story seemed clear. I looked at Hibiscus is surprise and asked "wait a minute, did you put a DEAD FLY on his FACE??!!" Just to make sure I had both sides of the story. Hibiscus looked even more horrified than I did, and then she made a miserable sound, flung her arms over her head and crept out of the room. Obviously, that's exactly what she DID do (or she would have denied it), and obviously, as soon as she thought about the situation for 1.2 seconds, she realized that it was a REALLY BAD IDEA.
-no pause between thinking of something and just doing it.
Actually, Hibiscus really hates bugs herself, and was probably at least as upset about the idea of a bug on someone's face as anyone else. It just hadn't occurred to her that that was what she was doing. Because she didn't take that 1.2 seconds to think before she acted, nor did the social cues indicate to her that something was wrong.
I told her that I could see that she felt bad, and that she didn't mean to do it, and now she just needed to make her brother feel better. After wailing that she didn't know what to do (this has been a theme lately, apparently), she stomped back into the room, said "SOR-REE, Em'son" in her most affronted voice, and stomped out.
-human nature does not like apologies, I am hypothesizing
In our family, we are not required to say sorry. We are required to make the other person feel better, and not move on with fun things in our own lives until we are ready to do that. Hibiscus said she didn't know how, but Emerson and I agreed that for an offense like this, she could help him with a chore. His laundry needed folding, and I suggested she could help him with that.
"She has to do the whole thing!" he demanded. I was going to say that that was a little out of proportion to something that wasn't actually mean-hearted, but he had reconsidered himself. "Maybe she can do part of it," he reasoned. "We can sit and fold it together." Upon further contemplation, he agreed that that would make him feel better, like she was helping him and not hurting him.
Hibiscus had been horrified about the fly, but she was even more horrified that she was going to get another chore.
-difficulty imagining consequences to actions
-poor working memory for household rules
She had been asked but hadn't chosen to participate in the discussion about what chore it would be, but since Emerson himself had argued her point and offered to help her, I felt like it was pretty reasonable.
For the entire rest of bedtime she kept forgetting that she needed to fold laundry for Emerson.
-poor working memory, or possibly just finagling to get out of something moderately unpleasant
FALLING ASLEEP:
So, she ended up having to fold laundry while the rest of us started books, but even though it took us more time to get into bed with the pillows in order than it would have taken her to just fold the clothes (Emerson moved clothes into two piles and made sure that his pile, for the morning, was bigger, so it wasn't unfair), she was so busy throwing a giant fit that she didn't have a chance to fold. To make a long story short, when she finally came back from the other room where she and the laundry had been placed, she complained of a headache. I said it was probably from screaming so much. She wailed and wailed that her head hurt, which was more crying.
-inability to see past the immediate moment
I suggested that she get a drink of water. She yelled "NO," and resumed complaining and crying. I said that when I have a headache I get a drink of water, and got another "NO." Then "it hurts, it hurts, it hurts!" as she bangs her head against the floor. (Really?) I finally told her to go get a drink of water, and to stop crying so her head could have a rest. She went into the bathroom, but came back saying she didn't want a drink. She kept complaining that her head hurt, and really the only solution that I could think of was having some water -- and I knew she would be thirsty after all that screaming -- so I kept gently insisting. Besides, when you are drinking water, by definition you can't be screaming and banging your head against things. She skulked back from the bathroom a minute later, trying to explain that something was in the cup, and she wasn't thirsty anyways. I explained how she could remove the object from the cup and then drink, but she wasn't having any of it. Since she calmed down and climbed into bed to listen to the rest of the story, I left it alone.
Fast forward ten or fifteen minutes. I have finished books and blessings and left the room. Emerson gets out of bed and asks politely for some water, so I fill a sippy cup and give it to him. As I do that, he politely tells me that Buttercup wants some too, can I get her one? From the upper bunk, Hibiscus demands sulkily that I get her water too. First of all, she has a shelf by her bed that always has a water cup on it, and when I glanced up it was there.
-poor working memory
-inability to put details in context/generalize: i.e., it was reasonable for Emerson and Buttercup to ask for water, because they didn't have a shelf with a cup on it. She thought it wasn't nice that I didn't bring her water, without realizing that the detail that she already HAD a water cup changed the situation.
But furthermore, I told her with some exasperation that I wasn't getting water for her, when she had refused over and over to get water for herself, and protested over and over that she wasn't thirsty and wouldn't drink.
"You didn't tell me to get water!" she complained.
I did, I said, I had told her to get water over and over, and she wouldn't do it.
"You never told me to get water!" she yelled.
We repeated this a couple of times. I finally appealed to Emerson, and he agreed with me, obviously completely confused about how someone who had just refused to drink water 17 times in a row could say that she had never been invited to drink water. Finally one of us said some kind of word that cued Hibiscus in to the conversation we were talking about.
"Ooooh, THAT telling me to get a drink," she replied. She was equally confused about how being asked to take a drink from the sink had anything to do with the current issue of filling her water cup.
-inability to generalize. Generalization is a really useful skill, isn't it?
And those are some small but very typical incidents, in the day of a life with very few executive function skill.
Executive function can be described as the "boss" functions in our brain; what stands between our thoughts and our actions. Executive function is divided into 8 major categories, which include areas like knowing how to start a project; having the follow-through to finish a project; working memory, which means remembering what is going on while you are in the middle of it; knowing how to control impulsiveness; imagining potential cause and effect from actions; generalizing specific incidents; and understanding social cues such as when other people are no longer interested in what you are talking about. The simple definition of executive function is: "not acting like a two year old."
Children with complex backgrounds, such as children who wind up needing to be adopted, often have executive function difficulties. Their disorganized lives have not taught them the skills they need, and the stress they experience interferes with normal brain development that would, say, help you learn how to not act like you're two. In the category of "executive function disintegration," Hibiscus came out with gold stars leaping out all over the place. In fact, after reading a book on the subject, I realized that Hibiscus is basically a walking demonstration of executive disfunction: she has it ALL. Except a couple of the potential behaviors are conflicting; not knowing how to make decisions can either paralyze a child with confusion and indecision, or result in impulsive and random behavior. Hibiscus is never paralyzed with anything.
I wrote that this is a day, but come to think of it, there is no way I could record an entire day of executive function difficulties. So I'll go through some highlights, but I want to clarify that this is not selecting out the dramatic stories of a bad day -- this is her (our) life. Executive function is so very universal, that it colors everything that happens, and every decision that we make about ourselves. Also, I hope it is clear that I am not writing this to complain about Hibiscus or describe how "bad" she is, but the exact opposite. I am writing to explain how these little skips in her brain are affecting her large and small decisions throughout the day, and thus her entire life and family interactions.
MORNING, GETTING READY FOR SCHOOL:
The children are doing their chores of taking care of the chicks in the garage. Emerson pours them more food, and Hibiscus goes to clean out and refill the waterer. By the time something is a routine, we don't need to use our executive function as much, because we can go through what is a normal habit without making new decisions; therefore, it is fairly easy for the children to get started working peacefully on the baby-chick chores.
But this morning Hibiscus decides to clean out the waterer in the bathroom sink. The chicks get the water cavity filled with their coconut-coir bedding, which needs to be pulled out before the waterer is cleaned and refilled. I have instructed them several times to do this in the trash can with a plastic bag in it, not in the sink. I don't know if Emerson usually does this part, or Hibiscus just decided to try something new, but habit slipped through this morning.
-poor working memory (that I have instructed them how to do this)
-inability to imagine cause and effect of actions (filling the drain with coconut coir)
Emerson comes in to get me because Hibiscus is flooding the sink, as she watches with confusion as the water gets higher and higher. However, she figures out that if she pushes the mass to the side, the water goes down, and she smiles at me with success. I am not so impressed and tell her that she has to get ALL the coconut coir out of the sink. She starts grabbing at it (it's possible she even skipped the step about fussing and whining; she's getting kind of used to my rule that she has to clean up her own messes), and I remind her to get the trash basket with the plastic bag from the kitchen. I have to repeat this and hold her hands still so she can listen.
-difficulty planning steps to complete a project successfully
After a while she comes back in and reports that everything is clean. However, I suspect her very first step was pushing things down the sink, so I go and take out the U-joint under the sink to make her make sure it isn't full of coconut coir. I put a towel under to catch the drips, and show her the pipe she needs to clean out. As she reaches for the sink, I tell her not to touch it.
"NO-OOO!! I don't know how to do da-AAAT!" she whines and wails (the gist of which is probably not related to executive disfunction, although the second sentence can describe difficulty understanding how to start projects). I start to explain, but she jumps to show me that the sink is actually clear and running smoothly.
-when an idea is in her head, it's hard to stop and think about something else
She turns the water on full blast to prove that it is running.
-poor working memory, that I just told her not to touch it. Or, perhaps:
-inability to generalize; I hadn't told her not to touch that PART of the sink
Water enthusiastically flies out the open pipe into the cabinet under the sink.
-low ability to imagine consequences of actions
SCHOOL:
I was not there to see how she did in her classroom and her after-school nature program. There were probably small difficulties, but in many ways these settings are easier. The routine is stronger and more clear, which allows her to rely on habit instead of decision-making. There is a tidal wave of other students moving along, so if she pauses for a millisecond and follows along she is likely to make the right choices.
Furthermore, in her particular case, there is less desire to prove herself independent (or smart, or powerful, or who-knows-what) by doing things a little bit differently than how her parents ask. Plenty of children do this, but some of them are able to use their reasoning to figure out a way to do things creatively without totally ruining the point of the activity.
For instance, when asked to clear things off the table, Emerson might sulk about it, but then pretend that he is a train. He needs to add "whoo-whoo!" noises to each item that he picks up, and walk in a particularly train-ish manner, but he delivers the proper things from the table to the counter.
In contrast, when I asked Hibiscus to put the milk in the refrigerator, she put it in the freezer. Which ruins the point of putting milk in the refrigerator. Actually, it just plain ruins the milk.
GETTING READY FOR DINNER:
Clearing the table took the children 45 minutes tonight, with one adult in almost constant guidance. How it is even possible to take 45 minutes to clear and set a table is completely beyond me; you will have to ask someone with executive disfunction, I guess. However, here are a few elements:
-difficulty understanding how to start a task
We actually have lists on the wall, breaking down setting the table into very small jobs, for just this reason. However, tonight they were:
-easily overwhelmed
and unable to even use the lists as a tool. (Emerson doesn't have executive disfunction, but he has extreme anxiety over being able to do things the right way, which looks similar when it comes to task completion.) And furthermore
-lack of being able to generalize
probably meant that they couldn't see that ALL THE STUFF covering the table was actually on a couple of categories: crayons and paper, dishes from lunch, and a few books. Instead, it looked like a million totally random things. So, when faced with a million things to do, why not
-distractibility
read every book you encounter, and color with every crayon?
DINNER CONVERSATION:
We spent a while figuring out how to count by 5's, which Hibiscus's class is also working on. It's difficult for her to figure out, because as soon as she hears something that gives her an idea, she's saying and acting upon her idea. But since an idea usually comes to her by the third word of the first sentence, this means that she misses most of the explanation.
Then the conversation took a turn like this:
Hibiscus: I am taking some more potatoes. I like potatoes. Look, this is a little potato! What a cute potato, I want to eat this potato. Now I am cutting it. I am cut, cut, cutting it, and now the potato is cut. I'm going to put butter on my potato. I like butter!
At this point I said her name in a warning tone. We have had many discussions about what constitutes a conversation; how, for instance, people take turns talking, and the thing that you talk about is the thing that the previous person was talking about. No one else had been having an in-depth discussion about Hibiscus's potato, surprisingly enough. In fact, I am trying to add to our understanding of conversation, that monologues about what you are eating are actually not interesting at all to the other conversationalists. But even though she clearly hasn't grasped that, this fell under the previous rules of other people not getting turns, and not being germane to the conversation that everyone else was having.
Hibiscus apparently didn't remember those concepts about conversation.
-poor working memory needs lots and lots and lots and LOTS of repetition
"What?!" she protested. "What's the matter with butter?"
I tried to say something succinct about that being enough talk about her potato, and then model moving on in conversation. Hibiscus was not moving on.
"I wasn't talking about my potato!" she protested. "I was talking about butter!"
-inability to generalize, since her last phrase was indeed about the butter
"Can't I have butter? I like butter! I like butter on my potato! Butter is really nummy on my potato! My potato is good with butter --"
-extreme difficulty in realizing when other people are no longer interested in what she is talking about
GETTING READY FOR BED:
After dinner, Daddy was dealing with washing hair and getting kids in and out of the bath, and I was doing their physical therapy routine with each of them in turn in the bedroom. (Wilbarger brushing and joint compressions, plus some reflex-integration exercises.) While each child was not being either bathed or brushed, he or she was expected to be cleaning up the bedroom.
We have even made a song about it. Before leaving the table, we sing:
"Clear your plate,
Potty and wash-hands,
Pa-ja-mas,
Clothes in hamper,
Clean your room, till the grown-ups come."
Each line repeats one note of the scale, until by the last line it's reached the dominant and does a simple arpeggio up and down, which is the most musically compelling part so the kids love to sing that line. Now whenever I remind them to tidy, someone always sings "clean your room, till the grown-ups come!"
Having a song aims to help poor working memory, and general mental disorganization. The tune gives the memory a boost, and if we repeat the song and tick steps off on our fingers every time a child says "what do I do now?" (or goes scooting past at 60 mph with a naked bum), they can usually figure out what step they're on.
First of all, as for actually tidying the room, there was a lot of similar behavior as I described about the table, with discussions like "I don't know what to DOOO-oooo. I don't know HOOO-oooow to clean my room" said in the most whiney voice possible, to which I would reply "pick up that kleenex right there and put it in the trash," or something along those lines. This is an outside influence providing some executive function. However, they were gradually getting to the point where we could vacuum.
I finished Buttercup and took her to brush teeth. Daddy was getting the vacuum. Emerson started screaming at Hibiscus to stop something, and ran desperately away. She was laughing; he was not.
-gets carried away with emotion and misses social cues
Most of the time, I try not to get involved in their little altercations, but sometimes something is pretty clear. In this case, they hadn't been upset and there wasn't time for an altercation. However, there was a dead fly waiting to be vacuumed up, and upon seeing it, it had clearly popped into Hibiscus's mind that it would be interesting to put it on Emerson's chin. When he startled and shrieked, she responded to the heightened emotion by chasing him.
-lack of impulse control
-difficulty to imagine consequences to actions
The words burst out of him so spontaneously the story seemed clear. I looked at Hibiscus is surprise and asked "wait a minute, did you put a DEAD FLY on his FACE??!!" Just to make sure I had both sides of the story. Hibiscus looked even more horrified than I did, and then she made a miserable sound, flung her arms over her head and crept out of the room. Obviously, that's exactly what she DID do (or she would have denied it), and obviously, as soon as she thought about the situation for 1.2 seconds, she realized that it was a REALLY BAD IDEA.
-no pause between thinking of something and just doing it.
Actually, Hibiscus really hates bugs herself, and was probably at least as upset about the idea of a bug on someone's face as anyone else. It just hadn't occurred to her that that was what she was doing. Because she didn't take that 1.2 seconds to think before she acted, nor did the social cues indicate to her that something was wrong.
I told her that I could see that she felt bad, and that she didn't mean to do it, and now she just needed to make her brother feel better. After wailing that she didn't know what to do (this has been a theme lately, apparently), she stomped back into the room, said "SOR-REE, Em'son" in her most affronted voice, and stomped out.
-human nature does not like apologies, I am hypothesizing
In our family, we are not required to say sorry. We are required to make the other person feel better, and not move on with fun things in our own lives until we are ready to do that. Hibiscus said she didn't know how, but Emerson and I agreed that for an offense like this, she could help him with a chore. His laundry needed folding, and I suggested she could help him with that.
"She has to do the whole thing!" he demanded. I was going to say that that was a little out of proportion to something that wasn't actually mean-hearted, but he had reconsidered himself. "Maybe she can do part of it," he reasoned. "We can sit and fold it together." Upon further contemplation, he agreed that that would make him feel better, like she was helping him and not hurting him.
Hibiscus had been horrified about the fly, but she was even more horrified that she was going to get another chore.
-difficulty imagining consequences to actions
-poor working memory for household rules
She had been asked but hadn't chosen to participate in the discussion about what chore it would be, but since Emerson himself had argued her point and offered to help her, I felt like it was pretty reasonable.
For the entire rest of bedtime she kept forgetting that she needed to fold laundry for Emerson.
-poor working memory, or possibly just finagling to get out of something moderately unpleasant
FALLING ASLEEP:
So, she ended up having to fold laundry while the rest of us started books, but even though it took us more time to get into bed with the pillows in order than it would have taken her to just fold the clothes (Emerson moved clothes into two piles and made sure that his pile, for the morning, was bigger, so it wasn't unfair), she was so busy throwing a giant fit that she didn't have a chance to fold. To make a long story short, when she finally came back from the other room where she and the laundry had been placed, she complained of a headache. I said it was probably from screaming so much. She wailed and wailed that her head hurt, which was more crying.
-inability to see past the immediate moment
I suggested that she get a drink of water. She yelled "NO," and resumed complaining and crying. I said that when I have a headache I get a drink of water, and got another "NO." Then "it hurts, it hurts, it hurts!" as she bangs her head against the floor. (Really?) I finally told her to go get a drink of water, and to stop crying so her head could have a rest. She went into the bathroom, but came back saying she didn't want a drink. She kept complaining that her head hurt, and really the only solution that I could think of was having some water -- and I knew she would be thirsty after all that screaming -- so I kept gently insisting. Besides, when you are drinking water, by definition you can't be screaming and banging your head against things. She skulked back from the bathroom a minute later, trying to explain that something was in the cup, and she wasn't thirsty anyways. I explained how she could remove the object from the cup and then drink, but she wasn't having any of it. Since she calmed down and climbed into bed to listen to the rest of the story, I left it alone.
Fast forward ten or fifteen minutes. I have finished books and blessings and left the room. Emerson gets out of bed and asks politely for some water, so I fill a sippy cup and give it to him. As I do that, he politely tells me that Buttercup wants some too, can I get her one? From the upper bunk, Hibiscus demands sulkily that I get her water too. First of all, she has a shelf by her bed that always has a water cup on it, and when I glanced up it was there.
-poor working memory
-inability to put details in context/generalize: i.e., it was reasonable for Emerson and Buttercup to ask for water, because they didn't have a shelf with a cup on it. She thought it wasn't nice that I didn't bring her water, without realizing that the detail that she already HAD a water cup changed the situation.
But furthermore, I told her with some exasperation that I wasn't getting water for her, when she had refused over and over to get water for herself, and protested over and over that she wasn't thirsty and wouldn't drink.
"You didn't tell me to get water!" she complained.
I did, I said, I had told her to get water over and over, and she wouldn't do it.
"You never told me to get water!" she yelled.
We repeated this a couple of times. I finally appealed to Emerson, and he agreed with me, obviously completely confused about how someone who had just refused to drink water 17 times in a row could say that she had never been invited to drink water. Finally one of us said some kind of word that cued Hibiscus in to the conversation we were talking about.
"Ooooh, THAT telling me to get a drink," she replied. She was equally confused about how being asked to take a drink from the sink had anything to do with the current issue of filling her water cup.
-inability to generalize. Generalization is a really useful skill, isn't it?
And those are some small but very typical incidents, in the day of a life with very few executive function skill.
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Pavo Espalier Azaelia
When I got this wrap as a tester, my first impression of this wrap was that it was really pink, and a little too geometric for my tastes. Once I had done the finishing wash and iron and got around to the first wrap, my first impression was that it was way too grippy and sticky for me. That's okay; it's kind of nice to have wraps that you're not tempted to buy, right?!
I have been using Espalier a great deal for the last three weeks or so, and it has grown on me. I might be tempted to give it a place in my stash after all!
To me, this has been quite a unique wrap. I can't think of any Pavo that I would compare it to, and I don't think its wrapping qualities are for everyone. First of all, this is not a snuggle wrap. If you love the texture of Giras and silky bamboo blends, please don't buy Espalier and spend two months supercoiling it. Second of all, this wrap has some serious grip. If you like sliding passes and easy adjustments, I think you'd enjoy almost any other Pavo more; if you're a new wrapper, be prepared to have a steep learning curve for Espalier. Third of all, this wrap does change a LOT with washing, ironing and wearing, so please don't churn it straight out of the box!
Where does the wrap shine? To explain, I'll have to tell you about my wrappee: she's three years old, a champion leaner (aided and abetted by her calm persistence), almost 30 pounds, and we do some quick carries and a lot of carries that last for over an hour. Carrying a curious, busy 30 pounds for an hour asks a lot of a wrap! So when I say this wrap gets a secure, solid carry, I really mean it!
My favorite carry ended up being one that I hardly ever use: wiggleproof. One of my recent wrapping challenges has been taking my 3yo to my advanced level dog training class. It is full of dogs who may or may not like toddlers, and adults who have paid money to be able to focus on their dogs, so I need her wrapped up and happy. She's much happier when she can see everything, so the ruck pass that starts off WP has been the perfect solution -- and all the reinforcing passes have been the solution for my back. With Espalier, I can start her just as high as is comfortable for me, and she stays up there. Furthermore, the grip and support means that the reinforcing passes stay put even if I'm multi-tasking when I put her up and don't spend the time to get everything perfect. If I get slack in a reinforcing pass, it doesn't work its way into the body of the carry and ruin everything.
So let's talk about the grip. I call myself a Goldilocks of grippiness, because I like it right in the middle: not too grippy and not too slippy. (I estimate a Zara is about perfect for a grippy wrap.) Why? People say they like grip because it will hold a sloppy wrap job in place, so it feels more secure. Maybe 10 pounds ago, but my girl works the grip out of a carry after a while, and then I just have sag. I also have three kids, and often am wrapping quickly and distracted, and I like a wrap where I can get a precise wrap job by feel.
However, I was willing to compromise on grip with Espalier. First of all, it feels fairly thin and moldable; a lot of grippy wraps are also thick, and that is just too much for my wrapping style. Espalier felt fairly easy to work with even though it had grip. Second, and more importantly: it actually HELD HER WEIGHT. When I took pictures, I could often see that there was slack in places, especially the edge of the passes. But it didn't work out during the carry and leave me saggy and my little one too low.
The grip pattern was an all-over, fine, dense texture.
Now let's talk about "the famous Pavo stretch and support." Espalier comes in way more on the side of support than of stretch. It definitely had enough movement for a comfortable "give," but not so much that the carry really settled in and molded, or that it had actual bounce. (With the caveat that this was a really long wrap, so I only tried single-layer carries once or twice.)
Now for the famous "breaking-in" question, or "wearable out of the box." First confession: I don't find most Pavos "need" breaking in, and that I can usually get perfectly comfortable wrap jobs by the second wrap or so. However, this one did certainly change over the first couple weeks of wearing. I didn't do ANY coiling, braiding, etc (except that I often braid my wraps to keep them neat), and I enjoyed Espalier at all its different stages. However, some people are probably going to find Espalier crunchy out of the bag.
After a couple of weeks, Espalier has become very moldable, and has a thinner feel than how it started. The texture feels a little smoother in hand, although I doubt it is ever going to be super soft. It might also end up being less dramatically grippy than what I'm writing about, especially in a shorter wrap. It becomes significantly easier to wrap with quickly and smoothly after a whole bunch of wearings.
On other notes about care and handling... the wrap I have is finished very nicely. You know how a lot of wraps get wrinkly on the short edges after their finishing wash? It's just a cosmetic thing, but Espalier has one of the smoothest hems that I've seen. This doesn't tend to have a wrinkly "look," and I've seen no tendency (so far) for creasing along the rails. And of course, this has middle markers on both sides -- one of those little things that I really appreciate about Pavo!
And for the design? It turned out that I really like it wrapped, especially in carries where you see different passes coming in different directions. The natural curves of being wrapped balanced out the geometry of the design. The two sides are a noticeably different pattern, but not so different that having opposite-side passes looked dramatic.
Everyone always asks what other wraps one would compare it to, especially other Pavos. I've chatted with one other previewer, and we both agree it's fairly unique -- she chose one Pavo form, which I don't think Espalier resembles AT ALL, and I chose another, which she thinks is pretty far from her impression. So let's just stick with: Espalier is pretty unique among Pavos!
The support reminds me of Folklore. The grip reminds me of Parterre. The texture reminds me a very little bit of P2, but all-over; or maybe a subtle non-thread-y version of Etini. The moldability reminds me of Hearts. The airiness is a little like Giraffe. And yet, in every other way except the one similarity, Espalier is totally different.
Espalier reminds me of the texture of Perito, although Espalier is thinner and more moldable. It also reminds me of a thinner, airier, and all-round more manageable Tekhni Olympos; the support/bounce are very similar in those. I can see a little bit of resemblance to a well-loved Didy linen indio, in the texture and feel of use, although the bounce is different.
The wrap feels nice and wide for a toddler. It's about 28 inches soft tape in hand, which is a little less than Pavo 2, and about the same as Hearts and Parterre.
I have been using Espalier a great deal for the last three weeks or so, and it has grown on me. I might be tempted to give it a place in my stash after all!
To me, this has been quite a unique wrap. I can't think of any Pavo that I would compare it to, and I don't think its wrapping qualities are for everyone. First of all, this is not a snuggle wrap. If you love the texture of Giras and silky bamboo blends, please don't buy Espalier and spend two months supercoiling it. Second of all, this wrap has some serious grip. If you like sliding passes and easy adjustments, I think you'd enjoy almost any other Pavo more; if you're a new wrapper, be prepared to have a steep learning curve for Espalier. Third of all, this wrap does change a LOT with washing, ironing and wearing, so please don't churn it straight out of the box!
Where does the wrap shine? To explain, I'll have to tell you about my wrappee: she's three years old, a champion leaner (aided and abetted by her calm persistence), almost 30 pounds, and we do some quick carries and a lot of carries that last for over an hour. Carrying a curious, busy 30 pounds for an hour asks a lot of a wrap! So when I say this wrap gets a secure, solid carry, I really mean it!
My favorite carry ended up being one that I hardly ever use: wiggleproof. One of my recent wrapping challenges has been taking my 3yo to my advanced level dog training class. It is full of dogs who may or may not like toddlers, and adults who have paid money to be able to focus on their dogs, so I need her wrapped up and happy. She's much happier when she can see everything, so the ruck pass that starts off WP has been the perfect solution -- and all the reinforcing passes have been the solution for my back. With Espalier, I can start her just as high as is comfortable for me, and she stays up there. Furthermore, the grip and support means that the reinforcing passes stay put even if I'm multi-tasking when I put her up and don't spend the time to get everything perfect. If I get slack in a reinforcing pass, it doesn't work its way into the body of the carry and ruin everything.
So let's talk about the grip. I call myself a Goldilocks of grippiness, because I like it right in the middle: not too grippy and not too slippy. (I estimate a Zara is about perfect for a grippy wrap.) Why? People say they like grip because it will hold a sloppy wrap job in place, so it feels more secure. Maybe 10 pounds ago, but my girl works the grip out of a carry after a while, and then I just have sag. I also have three kids, and often am wrapping quickly and distracted, and I like a wrap where I can get a precise wrap job by feel.
However, I was willing to compromise on grip with Espalier. First of all, it feels fairly thin and moldable; a lot of grippy wraps are also thick, and that is just too much for my wrapping style. Espalier felt fairly easy to work with even though it had grip. Second, and more importantly: it actually HELD HER WEIGHT. When I took pictures, I could often see that there was slack in places, especially the edge of the passes. But it didn't work out during the carry and leave me saggy and my little one too low.
The grip pattern was an all-over, fine, dense texture.
Now let's talk about "the famous Pavo stretch and support." Espalier comes in way more on the side of support than of stretch. It definitely had enough movement for a comfortable "give," but not so much that the carry really settled in and molded, or that it had actual bounce. (With the caveat that this was a really long wrap, so I only tried single-layer carries once or twice.)
Now for the famous "breaking-in" question, or "wearable out of the box." First confession: I don't find most Pavos "need" breaking in, and that I can usually get perfectly comfortable wrap jobs by the second wrap or so. However, this one did certainly change over the first couple weeks of wearing. I didn't do ANY coiling, braiding, etc (except that I often braid my wraps to keep them neat), and I enjoyed Espalier at all its different stages. However, some people are probably going to find Espalier crunchy out of the bag.
After a couple of weeks, Espalier has become very moldable, and has a thinner feel than how it started. The texture feels a little smoother in hand, although I doubt it is ever going to be super soft. It might also end up being less dramatically grippy than what I'm writing about, especially in a shorter wrap. It becomes significantly easier to wrap with quickly and smoothly after a whole bunch of wearings.
On other notes about care and handling... the wrap I have is finished very nicely. You know how a lot of wraps get wrinkly on the short edges after their finishing wash? It's just a cosmetic thing, but Espalier has one of the smoothest hems that I've seen. This doesn't tend to have a wrinkly "look," and I've seen no tendency (so far) for creasing along the rails. And of course, this has middle markers on both sides -- one of those little things that I really appreciate about Pavo!
And for the design? It turned out that I really like it wrapped, especially in carries where you see different passes coming in different directions. The natural curves of being wrapped balanced out the geometry of the design. The two sides are a noticeably different pattern, but not so different that having opposite-side passes looked dramatic.
Everyone always asks what other wraps one would compare it to, especially other Pavos. I've chatted with one other previewer, and we both agree it's fairly unique -- she chose one Pavo form, which I don't think Espalier resembles AT ALL, and I chose another, which she thinks is pretty far from her impression. So let's just stick with: Espalier is pretty unique among Pavos!
The support reminds me of Folklore. The grip reminds me of Parterre. The texture reminds me a very little bit of P2, but all-over; or maybe a subtle non-thread-y version of Etini. The moldability reminds me of Hearts. The airiness is a little like Giraffe. And yet, in every other way except the one similarity, Espalier is totally different.
Espalier reminds me of the texture of Perito, although Espalier is thinner and more moldable. It also reminds me of a thinner, airier, and all-round more manageable Tekhni Olympos; the support/bounce are very similar in those. I can see a little bit of resemblance to a well-loved Didy linen indio, in the texture and feel of use, although the bounce is different.
The wrap feels nice and wide for a toddler. It's about 28 inches soft tape in hand, which is a little less than Pavo 2, and about the same as Hearts and Parterre.
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